Good Night, Beloved Pet

To my dear friend, my cat 

You came into my life what seems to be yesterday 

You won me over with your feline characteristics 

You jumped out of a 2nd-story window 

You escaped every chance you got 

You sat out on the ledge of a 3rd-floor balcony 

cackling at the birds 

You slept in the sink 

You sat on my lap when I sat on the toilet 

You sat at the edge of the bathtub when I was in the shower 

You sat on the sink 

putting your paw up 

preventing me from brushing my teeth 

or putting on make up 

You laid at my feet 

You laid on my laptop 

You laid on my clean clothes 

You laid on anything that seemed to be important at the time 

And when we asked you “Why?” 

You looked up with glazed eyes 

and gave out a tiny 

“mew.” 

as a response 

You taught Gidget your ways 

You looked out for her 

You bullied her 

Like a big sister would 

She looks for you sometimes 

Thinking you’ll pop out and chase her down the hallway 

She misses you 

And so do I 

You were my first pet that I called my own 

We’ve been through a lot together 

Different apartments 

Different people 

Different pets of other people 

The one constant was you and me 

You made my life better 

I hope you know you were loved 

by everyone that met you 

Good night Nellie 

My Beloved Pet

Gimme Fiction

"Slept In"

I sit in my car and look down at the clock. Late for work again. Waiting for a light to turn green when you are already late for work seems like an eternity. As I try to think of a reason better than “It’s hard for me to leave the house sometimes”, a woman catches my eye. She is walking across the street, not really walking, more like shuffling. She has blonde hair, is about 5’3”, maybe 160 pounds. I recognize her. She comes into work almost everyday and asks to get on a computer.

The first day she came in, she handed me her passport, which caught me slightly off guard. Most people I knew that had passports were young, vibrant travelers ready to paint their name across the world. But as I looked at her picture, I saw that was what she was. Young, vibrant, a traveler. The picture looks like it was taken 30 years ago. You can see the life in her eyes.

The passport looked a bit tattered, probably expired but that doesn’t matter where I work. We just need some sort of identification saying you are who you are. I wonder where she has been with this. London? Brazil? Istanbul? What did she do there? Maybe she was a part of the peace corps helping areas in third world countries develop into communities. Or maybe she was a nurse in the army and helped wounded soldiers heal. Or maybe she was just a traveler. She backpacked through the Eastern Alps studying the lithology of rock units.

I must have been wondering for too long, because she took me out of my train of thought and mumbled something. “I’m sorry, what?” I asked. “Salvation Army.” I nodded. People who stay at the Salvation Army don’t have to pay to get on the computers. I gave her a pass and directed her toward the computer. She shuffled over and sat down.

As I watched her, I thought about how she was almost unrecognizable to the person in the passport picture. The young woman in the picture looked like she had goals. She looked like she had a plan. Where did she go wrong? This woman was practically homeless. This woman who, at some point in her life, wanted to paint her name across the world.

A car beeps their horn behind me. It practically sends me through the roof of my car. I have a green arrow. I guess I’ll just right down that I slept in. How do you write down on a small piece of paper that you weren’t doing anything important that made you late. You ate breakfast really slow, laid down with your cats for awhile, watched a rerun of “Frasier” and then realized that you should have left five minutes ago? I guess I’ll just say I slept in.

My Article for the Onion Newspaper

If I worked for The Onion, this is the type of story I would submit:

STATE FARM INSURANCE DECIDES TO REEVALUATE LONG STANDING SLOGAN AFTER REALIZING GOOD NEIGHBORS MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS.

We all know that slogan. It’s been pounded into our brains just like everything else out there. “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.” Go ahead, try and read it without singing that tune. This has been a part of the famous insurance company since ... I don’t know, but it’s been a long time. Probably since the 60’s or something, because that’s probably still when everyone was being nice to each other. You old-timers remember, whenever you needed any help, you could just walk across the yard and ask good ol’ Tom to come over. Then you would share a cold beer with him. And later he’d invite you to a key party or something. Ah yes, those were the days. Things are totally different now.

Don’t act like you actually answer the door whenever your family comes around, let alone your neighbor. If you need a cup of sugar, and there is none in your cabinets, you drive to the grocery store and get some. In these hard economic times, we can’t be carelessly borrowing things from each other. You don’t go knocking on your neighbors door with a measuring cup in your hand asking, “Can I borrow some sugar?” What if they only have a few cups left themselves? You have just put them in an awkward position. If they don’t give you a cup, they’re an asshole. Am I right? So, they give you a cup. Now your neighbor can’t make his or her sons birthday cake for tomorrow. Way to go, jackass.

All this isolation finally came to the attention of the State Farm Insurance PR team. They realized that their once valid slogan had completely lost it’s meaning. Instead of, “If you’re injured in a car accident, we’ll be there to help just like a friendly neighbor would”, State Farm customers were hearing this, “If you’re injured in a car accident, we’ll turn off the lights and sit quietly in the dark until you leave, like a neighbor would”.

The PR team decided on a few different slogans. The first, “We’re better than your neighbors, because we won’t pretend we don’t know you in the mall”. Focus group’s found this to be too condescending. The next, which didn’t follow the original jingle, “State Farm. When we meet it’s all business. We definitely won’t drag you into a long boring conversation about our children being on the honor roll. We know you don’t care”. But the focus group’s thought, although honest, it wasn’t as catchy.

The PR team was just about to give up, when a gentlemen from a neighboring office suggested they go with, “State Farm. We’re there if you need us”. It took him a long time to get the team’s attention though, since he was from a neighboring office and all.

Who doesn't love animals!

You can't have the remote.

I said, you can't have it!

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!

So you think you're a crazy cat lady? You probably are. Don't fight it though. There's no shame. Here's a little test to see if you actually are one or not:

1. Do your cats have middle names?

2. Do you talk to your cats?

3. Do you take pictures of your cats?

4. And then give them their own photo album on facebook?

5. Or do your cats have their own facebook?

6. Do you get christmas/birthday presents with cats on them?

7. Do you have a tattoo of a cat...

Ok, this is getting too personal. So far I have answered yes to all of these. But at least I don't have 6 pugs...

...oh wait.

Yes, I live with 6 dogs, 3 cats and possibly a possum that my mom insists on giving a name. She calls him Ralph. I'm not complaining. In fact, I really do love living with animals. I've lived with animals my entire life. When I was younger, we had 2 dogs and 3 cats (different than the 3 cats I have right now). I love having pets.

And judging by the incredible amount of animal blogs and a television network dedicated specifically to animals, I can guess I am not the only one. So here's my own little 2 cents for any animal lover out there that cares: the best thing to do for any animal is to rescue them. If you are looking for a new pet, you can find a rescue shelter for it somewhere near you. Dog, cat, ferret, rats... you name it. They all need help. If you have a big heart, and have time to take care of an animal that needs it, please look into rescuing it.

And just so you know, I'm not blowing smoke right now. I live and take care of (with my parents) two rescue pugs. Kissy and MoJo (or Mr. Mosby, as I like to call him) acted as a puppy factory for their previous owner. Kissy had 6 litters in 7 years. When Kissy developed bad allergies and they found out Mr. Mosby had a condition where his eyelashes grew on the inside of his eyelids, causing him to scratch his cornea everytime he blinked, the previous owner passed them on to the animal shelter. When my mom heard about this, she flew over to the shelter. When she saw them, Kissy was practically itching her skin off and Mr. Mosby was running into walls because he was partially blind.

Two years have passed since then. Kissy gets half a children's benadryl twice a day (because my mom doesn't want to cause her any pain with shots once a month) and Mr. Mosby gets eye drops twice a day. They are the most loving dogs and my parents (or me) wouldn't trade them for anything.

So rescue some animals! Here are some websites:

http://www.saveapetil.org/index.php - this website was featured on WGN on October 8th. It is a No-Kill Adoption Center.

http://www.animalshelter.org/ - you can do quick pet searches to find a ferret, bird, cat, dog or other animal in your area.

http://www.anticruelty.org/ - this is the website for the Anti-Cruelty Society located on Grand Ave in Chicago. Here you can adopt, donate money or even volunteer (which is really fun because you get to care for a lot of the animals)

Stuck.

I'm stuck at school with nothing to do. For the most part my homework is done. I have commented on everyone's facebook status's and checked out the LOLcatz for today. I can't help but look around the lunch room and imagine what all these people are doing.

Two ladies walk by. One has earbuds in her ears, the other one is talking. Is she talking to her? She clearly isn't listening. Maybe the one lady talking is lonely. She is just rambling to herself. She desperately wants to be heard. And the other lady, with the earbuds, is lonely too. She just wants to listen. She wants to hear everything. So when she sees the talking lady, she walks near her. The talking lady doesn't object, she wants to be heard. People think, "they must be good friends".

There's a guy carrying a box. I see him around sometimes. He perpetually has a pouty face. His bottom lip sticks out and his brow is furrowed. He's checking the vending machines for change. You know, the part of the vending machines that shoots out change when you put too much money in. He's sticking his fingers in there and feeling around. Oh! He found some! Way to go, dude! I am legitimately excited for him. He still looks like he's pouting though.

Whoa. Here's a guy that just walked up with an apron on. Not a cooking apron, but one of those artists aprons. There's paint all over it. I bet he wants everyone to know that he as an artist. A painter. I shouldn't hate. If I had something to distinguish me from other students here, I would totally wear it. ...No I wouldn't. I like being inconspicuous here. I still shouldn't hate. Maybe he is in the middle of something and got really hungry. He probably has to run back to the studio. Yep, there he goes.

There's the guy that works in the GSU library. I see him all the time. I wonder if he's married.

I see one of my former teachers sitting across the way with a guy who, I can only presume, is some sort of big shot. He's wearing a nice suit. Maybe their talking about how former Governor Blagojevich doesn't have his picture up in the Hall of Governors. "George Ryan's picture is up there. He's a crook." "Well, yeah, but Blagojevich is down right nuts!" That guy just said "nuts!" really loud, that's why I think that's what they're saying. Or maybe he was just exclaiming his love for the tasty snack. "What's your most favorite thing in the whole world?" "NUTS!"

There are two gentlemen in the Hall of Governors looking around. They look like they are discussing important business. I imagine them talking about how they should tear it down. "Tear it all down! Just build a mini-mall right here. All the major cities are doing it. Think of all the revenue!"

Still an hour and a half before class starts. Maybe I'll eat another Snickers.

It's funny what makes you smile.

I've been in a period of self-loathing lately. You know, feeling like you have nothing to offer. I've been feeling like I have nothing to write about. I've been really upset because of my financial state. I owe a few hundred dollars here and there and when you don't have any money (or a decent job) a few hundred dollars here and there seems like A LOT. So for that past three months, I've been silently worrying about what I would do about it while simultaneously spending little bits of money here and there on some of the stupidest shit. Excuse my language, but that's exactly what it is. Do I really need that belt? Do I really need that comic book? Do I really need that pin shaped like a bicycle? The answer is no.

To top it all off, my car recently broke down. I spent the entire day wallowing in self pity. Oh woe is me! Whatever will I do? Whine, cry, whine, cry. Oh, I'm so irresponsible. If I hadn't bought that toy for my cat, I could have put that money away to save for a rainy day, just like this.

My job hasn't really been all that great either. I work at a corporate restaurant as a server (for those of you who don't know) and you really have to be motivated to make money. I am not. I dislike my job so much that when they tell me to go home without making any money that day, I say okay. Being fully aware of the horrible financial state I am in.

I have spent the last couple of days looking for a new job. One that will take me away from the horrible corporate restaurant. So far I've gotten nowhere. BUT, this isn't a rant about how terrible my life is. This isn't one of those things where at the end I type FML and await comments from the few people reading this saying, "Cheer up, Megan! You can do it!" After all, the title of this blog is It's funny what makes you smile. I'm pretty sure so far, none of this has made anyone smile.

Ok, ok to the point. I spent all of yesterday being a girl and crying about my car and my money, because I didn't know what else to do. My sweet, wonderful boyfriend came over last night and tried his hardest to make me feel better, but I wasn't budging. Then today, I walked to the Public Library to fill out an application at the request of a wonderful friend who works there.

The walk took me about an hour. I was sweaty. I was hot. My feet hurt. Halfway through the walk, I was miserable.

I was about ready to text my boyfriend, who, I knew, was busy, and tell him to come and pick me up. Just then, I saw an old man. He was walking down the sidewalk, with a noticeable limp and only had one arm. He was looking up at the sky, then slowly looked down at me as he walked towards me. I quickly looked away, with the sour look on my face that had only gotten worse with each step I took. I looked back at him just as we passed each other and he was still looking at me. He had a giant smile on his face and, without stopping, simply said "Smile!"

I walked passed him, didn't look back, but had the most gigantic smile on my face. The rest of the walk was great. I realized what a beautiful day it was. Instead of being upset at how hot and sweaty I was, I was happy that I was able (due to extenuating circumstances) to have this opportunity to take a nice long walk and enjoy the day.

So, basically, an old man with a limp and only one arm made me realize how lucky I was and that I should appreciate the things in my life, by simply saying smile. So, at the risk of sounding cheesy I say, to you, dear reader, SMILE! :)

5,196 miles later...

On May 15th, 2010, Kelly Wotjczak and Megan Anstrom embarked on a journey. A journey that some could only dream about. A journey that would be remembered forever. But only one of them returned...

Because Kelly was moving to Oakland. When Kelly decided to move, I did what any good friend would do and said, "Yes, I will take this free trip to California." Then, she took it a step further. Actually a few steps further. Kelly wanted to take a giant ass road trip before she settled in Oakland. We stopped in 9 different states, drove through 15 different states and had a hell of a time. Here are some tips we picked up through each state...

Tennessee

Our first stop was Graceland in Memphis. When pulling into the parking lot of Graceland, make sure you are listening to Graceland by Paul Simon. It makes it more exciting. Also, when you're going through the tour, don't listen to the headphones they give you. They're dumb.

From there, we drove to Nashville. If you go to a bar called The Twin Kegs, make sure you play some good music. Kelly won over the regulars playing cards in the corner when she played Long Tall Woman in a Black Dress by The Hollies. That's become our go-to jukebox song now.

Upon leaving Tennessee, if you happen to see the signs that tell you to go to the Ripley's Believe It Or Not! Aquarium, be warned! It's about 30 miles out of the way in Gatlinburg! Also, don't distract your driver by yelling "Holy shit, Kelly, look! Ten dollar helicopter rides!" This resulted in a small accident, where no one was injured, but the gear shift in Kelly's car ... shifted. Park was reverse, reverse was neutral, neutral was drive, blah blah blah. We had to manually override the gear shift every time we started the car. EVERY TIME WE STARTED THE CAR.

Virginia

Our initial plan was to go to Virginia Beach, but we went to Richmond instead. It was raining. Hot traveling tip #1: DON'T GO TO RICHMOND, VA WHEN IT'S RAINING.

South Carolina

I absolutely recommend researching highways and biways before going on a trip. I was the navigator on the way from Virginia to South Carolina and had the genius idea to go the scenic route so we could drive along the coast. The only problem is from Wilmington, North Carolina to Charleston, South Carolina, there are so many kitschy, touristy shops built up, you can't see the ocean! We finally got off the state route and drove in the general direction of the ocean until we saw it.

Hot traveling tip #2: Charleston apparently shuts down at 10pm. So if you've been driving for hours, and all you want is something to eat, you won't find it. During the day, Charleston is beautiful. The architecture is very charming and there are tons of old graveyards with pirates' graves!

Folly Beach is also a beautiful place. BUT, even if you're German, Polish and Irish ... the most pale person in the world ... the sun will still get you! I was so burnt after accidentally falling asleep on the beach, that some dude asked me if I even attempted to put sunscreen on. When I got into a bathtub filled with cold water, I saw steam. Hot traveling tip #3: Always, ALWAYS wear sunscreen.

Georgia

Savannah was probably one of our favorite places. The weather was beautiful, all the trees were covered in spanish moss, there were parks everywhere and EVERY BAR HAD TO-GO BEERS. You walk in, order a beer and they say, "For here or to go?" There was, also, a bar that sold 40's for $5. They even put it in a paper bag for you for proper 40 drinking etiquette.

When traveling from Georgia to Louisiana, you have to go through Florida. Florida sucks. Don't go to Florida. I got pulled over for going 85 in a 70 and the cop gave me a $251 ticket. The price of this ticket is blowing my mind. Florida truly sucks.

Louisiana

New Orleans. Here's what I learned in New Orleans: Never stay in a hostel with a Brazilian woman. Don't let her Euro-charm fool you, she is nuts. This woman told both Kelly and I, at separate times, about her relations with the hostel night guy. She then told us that if he says anything to us, not to tell him that she told us anything... riiiiiight.

We quickly ran off to get away from her because we realized she wasn't going to stop talking. We made our way down to the French Quarter, then back to the hostel. Crazy Pants was still there. She was wandering around in her underwear, packing and unpacking her suitcases while telling us her life story. We made up some excuse to get out of there, and headed for a bar.

After a few hours of drinking, we made our back to the hostel. Thankfully, Crazy Pants was gone! Kelly and I climbed into our bunk beds and tried to fall asleep. We realized a few moments later that we wouldn't be sleeping any time soon because the other lady that was sharing a room with us was snoring sooooo loud. Hot traveling tip #4: When staying in hostels, it's probably a good idea to bring earplugs.

I do remember dozing off for a moment, but was awakened when Crazy Pants stumbled into the room with some guy. She was rambling about taking her medicine to help her stand up, when both her feet came out from underneath her! Then, the police showed up, shining their flashlights into our room, telling Crazy Pants that she either needed to leave or go to bed! Everyone that was in the room was clearly awakened by the noise, because Saw Logs McGee stopped snoring at this point. But we all kept quiet and pretended to be asleep so Crazy Pants wouldn't talk to us.

For whatever reason, the police and the dude left, leaving our dorm door open and the light on. A few moments later, the dude came back! He said he just wanted to check on Crazy Pants. She asked him to get into bed with her, which he declined, then she asked him to take off her pants, which he THANKFULLY declined. She went on about being scared for her life because of some other guy, but when the dude left, she asked him to leave the door open... There must be some sort of cultural difference. Maybe if a Brazilian woman feels threatened by someone, she makes absolutely sure that she feels the opposite of safe and secure. Maybe it helps them keep their guard up so their not vulnerable.

At this point, I could take no more. I finally got up and shut the door. I told her we were all awake and we heard what happened and that we all needed to go to bed. She informed me about the guy trying to kill her... uuuhh, whoever that is ...and I assured her that no one would do anything to her with four other girls in the room and with THE DOOR SHUT AND LOCKED. I crawled into bed and tried to quickly fall asleep but the Snore Queen beat me to it.

After about an hour of sleep, Kelly and I woke up and gathered our stuff together. As we were on our way out, Crazy Pants asked if she could come with us.

When traveling from Louisiana through Texas, that's it. You only go through those two states. The Southwest portion of Louisiana sucks, too. Kelly got pulled over going 83 in a 70, but her ticket was only $139. And then as the police officer walked away, he said "Keep it under 80" with a real thick, deep south southern accent. This made us giggle. Then we held a baby alligator, which made us pretty happy. I guess the Southwest portion of Louisiana isn't too bad.

Texas

After driving around for hours on I-35 in Austin, Kelly and I got a 12 pack of Coors Original, found a Motel 6 and watched Bring It On. The second night was much better. Kelly found a show to go to at a place called Stubb's. It was a band we both liked, and the bar had free beer for a limited time! We decided Austin was probably a great place to live, but a horrible place to visit.

When we were heading out, we took state routes the entire way and listened to Old 97's. The small towns we passed through were pretty weird, but everything in between was beautiful.

New Mexico

Hot traveling tip #5: DON'T GO TO THE ROSWELL UFO MUSEUM. It sucks. I got the stink eye from the old man behind the counter because I wanted to buy a ticket with my credit card. The museum is filled with old newspaper articles and X-Files posters. Oh, and a framed VHS copy of the made-for-tv movie 'Roswell' starring Kyle Maclachlan of Twin Peaks. To quote Kelly, "There's not even a shirt that says, I got abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

Albuquerque seemed to be a cool place. There is a very nice hostel called Route 66 Hostel. If you go to Albuquerque, stay there. This is a serious recommendation.

Arizona

As soon as we hit the Arizona state line, we saw signs telling us about a dinosaur park. Don't get your hopes up, there isn't one. There is, however, a 20-foot tall paper-mache T-Rex next to a paper-mache ostrich that is probably 15-feet tall.

Here is another serious recommendation: if you're driving west on I-40 in Arizona and heading towards the Grand Canyon, get off in Flagstaff. Head north on state route 89 then head west again on state route 64. It's real puuuurty.

Hot traveling tip #6: Try not to get lost finding the biggest canyon in the United States. Kelly and I wandered for awhile before finally stumbling upon it. No joke.

California

Our first stop in California was Escondido, a northern suburb of San Diego. Hot traveling tip #7: When staying with friends, listen to them when they tell you to go out the front door. Kelly's friends, Amy and Jonathon, had gone to work early one morning. Kelly and I woke up around 9am and decided to go out to the car to grab our laundry. Against Amy's advice, we made our way towards the back door. As we walked through the kitchen door, into a pantry-like room, Kelly noticed the antique french doors leading outside could only be opened with a key. I did not notice this and shut the kitchen door behind me, locking us inside the pantry-like room. We did not have our phones, Kelly was not wearing her contacts and we were still in our pajamas.

We were trapped for eight hours. But it wasn't so bad. We began trying to send Amy and Jonathon psychic messages, trying to tell one of them to take a half-day and come home. We tried to nap on a linoleum floor, using big CostCo bags as blankets. We played Apples to Apples, but played like it was the card game War. We talked about our trip. There would be short silences that would be broken when one of us would start laughing and saying "I CAN'T BELIEVE WE DID THIS".

As soon as 5pm rolled around, I was up on my feet, staring out the window. When the car pulled up in the driveway, I told Kelly and we both were dancing around clapping our hands. We were like two puppies locked in a cage all day, excited for their owners to come home. That was probably the most ridiculous thing that happened on the trip.

Remember the accident that happened two days after we left that had Kelly's gear shift all in a tizzy? Well, Jonathon asked if we had thought about pushing the gear shift all the way down to L, to see if maybe that would knock it back into place. We had thought about it, but were nervous to try. He did it, and the car works fine now.

After a few days there, we made our way up to Los Angeles. We spent a few hours tooling around, then headed to Santa Monica to see more friends. Our friends, Kindra and Bill, took us around the town. Hot traveling tip #8: Wear super comfortable shoes when walking around Venice Beach. Bill figured that we had walked 9 miles, which resulted in me having to walk on the sides of my feet because I had blisters. The drive from Santa Monica to Oakland is beautiful. We drove along state route 1, which took us right along the coast of the Pacific Ocean. Hot traveling tip #9: Don't get gas in the mountains. Or if you do, only get a little bit. I paid almost $5 a gallon!!

Finally after two weeks and three days, we made it to Oakland. Oakland is a pretty cool place. This statement is meant in both ways. It's awesome and quite chilly. The entire time I was there, it was in the upper 60's. I loved it, but Kelly is a true Midwesterner and missed her super humid days in Chicago. I kept trying to remind her that when we're all freezing our asses off during the ridiculous Midwest winter, mid- to upper 60's and non-humid days won't be so bad.

After 10 days, it was time for me to say good bye. It was quite bittersweet. I missed my family and friends back in Illinois, but as soon as I got back, I knew that I would immediately start missing Kelly! Right before I left, Kelly was chatting with her mom. She told Kelly that before I left, we should talk about our trip in case there were things that one of us forgot. For the rest of the time, and even still now, we said things like "Hey, remember when we found that cat in New Orleans?" or "Remember when we went to that A's game?" It started off as a joke, but it makes me smile every time.

So, now I'm back, safe and sound. Kelly and her boyfriend, Jordan are settled into their new apartment in Oakland, CA. The trip was a success. Lots of things went wrong, lots of things went right and everything was awesome. This trip (here it comes, here's the cliche comment) changed my life. It changed who I am as a person. Hot traveling tip #10: Do it. Take a ridiculous trip and let it happen. It's the best thing that could ever happen to a person.

My favorite "Hey, remember when..." from Kelly: "Hey, remember our road trip?"