GUESS WHAT EVERYONE

Hey everyone!  Here's a self loathing blog post about how I consistently date the same person all of the time.  But I figure with tumblr being the new thing, no one reads blogspot anymore anyway, amirite?
GREAT.  Let me just preface this by saying I'm drunk right now.  And I'm sad.  I've been sad for awhile.  But I've been repressing that sadness because I tuck it away.  I tuck it away into a place that it's safe until my current boyfriend says elbow the wrong way and then I can't help but let my feels explode everywhere.
Okay, so I said I date the same person all of the time.  That person is *drum roll please* someone who doesn't like me! TA-DA!  I know what you're thinking.  You're probably like, why are you dating people that don't like you?  You see, what had happened was... I don't know.  There are like normal relationships where the people are so ridiculously happy that it makes everyone else sick even if you are in a fantastic relationship.  That's generally considered the honeymoon phase.  And boy oh boy, does this phase sweep me off my feet.  I mean, I am ALWAYS seriously convinced that the dude I am with is going to be THEE guy.  And then, the phase ends.  And it's about six months into the relationship and for some ungodly reason, that's enough time to not break up... WUT.  Yeah, six months apparently is a good amount of time to spend with someone to build a deep connection and then NOT break up with them when they start acting like an asshole.  Or in my case, they start acting like they just don't like you.  I guess asshole would've been fine but whatever.
And I'm not talking about falling out of love or something.  I'm talking like these dudes act like I am some girl they just met and really want nothing to do with.  The difference?  WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR SIX MONTHS AND WE STILL GO HOME TOGETHER.  And then six months turns into two years and before you know you're like ... WUT.
I know what you're thinking.  You're like, what's wrong with you?  Respect yourself! I know, riiiiiiiiight.  I mean seriously, that's it.  What the hell is wrong with you?  This person sounds like a douche bag...
But he's not a douche bag!
How is he not a douche bag?
He, uh... well, when we're together, it's awesome!
Oh really?  Like when we're together, he isn't mean, he doesn't hit, he would never insult me.
Right!
Girl, get real.  He's already doing that.  And when he's not, he's not because he's trying to get what he wants.
NO YOU'RE WRONG.

But you're not wrong.  And I know you're not.  So why do I keep dating people that after two years I come out and say "You just don't like me"?  Who fucking knows.  Only I know.  And I'm keeping it such a secret that I can't even find it in my fucked up brain.
Did I forget to mention that I am drunk right now?  Because I am.  In case you missed that.  I'm drunk.  And tomorrow morning, I'm still going to be dating this guy.  This guy that I think doesn't like me.  I'll still keep dating him.  Because even though I say I CAN BE MISERABLE BY MYSELF, I DON'T NEED HIM TO MAKE ME MISERABLE ... I mean, let's be real ... misery fucking LOOOOOOOOOOVES company.  Even if the company doesn't like them too much, amirite?

HEY GUESS WHAT FUCK EVERYTHING

love, that is.

love, that is.

And so it was.  Love, that is.  That’s what they were in.  Love.  There were opportunities calling out for him but he opted to stay with love.  There weren’t any opportunities for her.  She wondered what she would have done had he not come back for her. 
Marry another? 
Become an old maid? 
There was no need to think of it.  He was there and that’s all that mattered.
He never wondered what his life would have been like had he decided otherwise.  He only wanted his life with her. 
His love, his life, his family, his heart. 
All with her. 
Together, they had three boys.  They bought a house, then sold it.  They built a house and sold that.  They bought another house and sold it.  And finally they moved into the house they would grow old together in.  The house his parents grew old together in.
He still lived for her.  She grew older and couldn’t get around much.  He never complained.  They were a team!  That’s what happens in life!  Oh, and what a life it was, he would exclaim! 
They grew older and older together until she got sick.  He stayed by her side and he held her hand.  He listened to her when she told him she was scared.  He listened to her when she picked out her last outfit.  And then he listened to her last breaths.  She was gone. 
All of his life was meant for her. 
His love, his life, his heart. 
All for her. 
He lived his last days asking for her.  Asking what she thought about all of this.  Asking if she would be coming in to see him.  Then he was gone.  And now, for all we know, he is with her again.

Good Night, Beloved Pet

To my dear friend, my cat 

You came into my life what seems to be yesterday 

You won me over with your feline characteristics 

You jumped out of a 2nd-story window 

You escaped every chance you got 

You sat out on the ledge of a 3rd-floor balcony 

cackling at the birds 

You slept in the sink 

You sat on my lap when I sat on the toilet 

You sat at the edge of the bathtub when I was in the shower 

You sat on the sink 

putting your paw up 

preventing me from brushing my teeth 

or putting on make up 

You laid at my feet 

You laid on my laptop 

You laid on my clean clothes 

You laid on anything that seemed to be important at the time 

And when we asked you “Why?” 

You looked up with glazed eyes 

and gave out a tiny 

“mew.” 

as a response 

You taught Gidget your ways 

You looked out for her 

You bullied her 

Like a big sister would 

She looks for you sometimes 

Thinking you’ll pop out and chase her down the hallway 

She misses you 

And so do I 

You were my first pet that I called my own 

We’ve been through a lot together 

Different apartments 

Different people 

Different pets of other people 

The one constant was you and me 

You made my life better 

I hope you know you were loved 

by everyone that met you 

Good night Nellie 

My Beloved Pet

Gimme Fiction

"Slept In"

I sit in my car and look down at the clock. Late for work again. Waiting for a light to turn green when you are already late for work seems like an eternity. As I try to think of a reason better than “It’s hard for me to leave the house sometimes”, a woman catches my eye. She is walking across the street, not really walking, more like shuffling. She has blonde hair, is about 5’3”, maybe 160 pounds. I recognize her. She comes into work almost everyday and asks to get on a computer.

The first day she came in, she handed me her passport, which caught me slightly off guard. Most people I knew that had passports were young, vibrant travelers ready to paint their name across the world. But as I looked at her picture, I saw that was what she was. Young, vibrant, a traveler. The picture looks like it was taken 30 years ago. You can see the life in her eyes.

The passport looked a bit tattered, probably expired but that doesn’t matter where I work. We just need some sort of identification saying you are who you are. I wonder where she has been with this. London? Brazil? Istanbul? What did she do there? Maybe she was a part of the peace corps helping areas in third world countries develop into communities. Or maybe she was a nurse in the army and helped wounded soldiers heal. Or maybe she was just a traveler. She backpacked through the Eastern Alps studying the lithology of rock units.

I must have been wondering for too long, because she took me out of my train of thought and mumbled something. “I’m sorry, what?” I asked. “Salvation Army.” I nodded. People who stay at the Salvation Army don’t have to pay to get on the computers. I gave her a pass and directed her toward the computer. She shuffled over and sat down.

As I watched her, I thought about how she was almost unrecognizable to the person in the passport picture. The young woman in the picture looked like she had goals. She looked like she had a plan. Where did she go wrong? This woman was practically homeless. This woman who, at some point in her life, wanted to paint her name across the world.

A car beeps their horn behind me. It practically sends me through the roof of my car. I have a green arrow. I guess I’ll just right down that I slept in. How do you write down on a small piece of paper that you weren’t doing anything important that made you late. You ate breakfast really slow, laid down with your cats for awhile, watched a rerun of “Frasier” and then realized that you should have left five minutes ago? I guess I’ll just say I slept in.

My Article for the Onion Newspaper

If I worked for The Onion, this is the type of story I would submit:

STATE FARM INSURANCE DECIDES TO REEVALUATE LONG STANDING SLOGAN AFTER REALIZING GOOD NEIGHBORS MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS.

We all know that slogan. It’s been pounded into our brains just like everything else out there. “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.” Go ahead, try and read it without singing that tune. This has been a part of the famous insurance company since ... I don’t know, but it’s been a long time. Probably since the 60’s or something, because that’s probably still when everyone was being nice to each other. You old-timers remember, whenever you needed any help, you could just walk across the yard and ask good ol’ Tom to come over. Then you would share a cold beer with him. And later he’d invite you to a key party or something. Ah yes, those were the days. Things are totally different now.

Don’t act like you actually answer the door whenever your family comes around, let alone your neighbor. If you need a cup of sugar, and there is none in your cabinets, you drive to the grocery store and get some. In these hard economic times, we can’t be carelessly borrowing things from each other. You don’t go knocking on your neighbors door with a measuring cup in your hand asking, “Can I borrow some sugar?” What if they only have a few cups left themselves? You have just put them in an awkward position. If they don’t give you a cup, they’re an asshole. Am I right? So, they give you a cup. Now your neighbor can’t make his or her sons birthday cake for tomorrow. Way to go, jackass.

All this isolation finally came to the attention of the State Farm Insurance PR team. They realized that their once valid slogan had completely lost it’s meaning. Instead of, “If you’re injured in a car accident, we’ll be there to help just like a friendly neighbor would”, State Farm customers were hearing this, “If you’re injured in a car accident, we’ll turn off the lights and sit quietly in the dark until you leave, like a neighbor would”.

The PR team decided on a few different slogans. The first, “We’re better than your neighbors, because we won’t pretend we don’t know you in the mall”. Focus group’s found this to be too condescending. The next, which didn’t follow the original jingle, “State Farm. When we meet it’s all business. We definitely won’t drag you into a long boring conversation about our children being on the honor roll. We know you don’t care”. But the focus group’s thought, although honest, it wasn’t as catchy.

The PR team was just about to give up, when a gentlemen from a neighboring office suggested they go with, “State Farm. We’re there if you need us”. It took him a long time to get the team’s attention though, since he was from a neighboring office and all.

Who doesn't love animals!

You can't have the remote.

I said, you can't have it!

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!

So you think you're a crazy cat lady? You probably are. Don't fight it though. There's no shame. Here's a little test to see if you actually are one or not:

1. Do your cats have middle names?

2. Do you talk to your cats?

3. Do you take pictures of your cats?

4. And then give them their own photo album on facebook?

5. Or do your cats have their own facebook?

6. Do you get christmas/birthday presents with cats on them?

7. Do you have a tattoo of a cat...

Ok, this is getting too personal. So far I have answered yes to all of these. But at least I don't have 6 pugs...

...oh wait.

Yes, I live with 6 dogs, 3 cats and possibly a possum that my mom insists on giving a name. She calls him Ralph. I'm not complaining. In fact, I really do love living with animals. I've lived with animals my entire life. When I was younger, we had 2 dogs and 3 cats (different than the 3 cats I have right now). I love having pets.

And judging by the incredible amount of animal blogs and a television network dedicated specifically to animals, I can guess I am not the only one. So here's my own little 2 cents for any animal lover out there that cares: the best thing to do for any animal is to rescue them. If you are looking for a new pet, you can find a rescue shelter for it somewhere near you. Dog, cat, ferret, rats... you name it. They all need help. If you have a big heart, and have time to take care of an animal that needs it, please look into rescuing it.

And just so you know, I'm not blowing smoke right now. I live and take care of (with my parents) two rescue pugs. Kissy and MoJo (or Mr. Mosby, as I like to call him) acted as a puppy factory for their previous owner. Kissy had 6 litters in 7 years. When Kissy developed bad allergies and they found out Mr. Mosby had a condition where his eyelashes grew on the inside of his eyelids, causing him to scratch his cornea everytime he blinked, the previous owner passed them on to the animal shelter. When my mom heard about this, she flew over to the shelter. When she saw them, Kissy was practically itching her skin off and Mr. Mosby was running into walls because he was partially blind.

Two years have passed since then. Kissy gets half a children's benadryl twice a day (because my mom doesn't want to cause her any pain with shots once a month) and Mr. Mosby gets eye drops twice a day. They are the most loving dogs and my parents (or me) wouldn't trade them for anything.

So rescue some animals! Here are some websites:

http://www.saveapetil.org/index.php - this website was featured on WGN on October 8th. It is a No-Kill Adoption Center.

http://www.animalshelter.org/ - you can do quick pet searches to find a ferret, bird, cat, dog or other animal in your area.

http://www.anticruelty.org/ - this is the website for the Anti-Cruelty Society located on Grand Ave in Chicago. Here you can adopt, donate money or even volunteer (which is really fun because you get to care for a lot of the animals)

Stuck.

I'm stuck at school with nothing to do. For the most part my homework is done. I have commented on everyone's facebook status's and checked out the LOLcatz for today. I can't help but look around the lunch room and imagine what all these people are doing.

Two ladies walk by. One has earbuds in her ears, the other one is talking. Is she talking to her? She clearly isn't listening. Maybe the one lady talking is lonely. She is just rambling to herself. She desperately wants to be heard. And the other lady, with the earbuds, is lonely too. She just wants to listen. She wants to hear everything. So when she sees the talking lady, she walks near her. The talking lady doesn't object, she wants to be heard. People think, "they must be good friends".

There's a guy carrying a box. I see him around sometimes. He perpetually has a pouty face. His bottom lip sticks out and his brow is furrowed. He's checking the vending machines for change. You know, the part of the vending machines that shoots out change when you put too much money in. He's sticking his fingers in there and feeling around. Oh! He found some! Way to go, dude! I am legitimately excited for him. He still looks like he's pouting though.

Whoa. Here's a guy that just walked up with an apron on. Not a cooking apron, but one of those artists aprons. There's paint all over it. I bet he wants everyone to know that he as an artist. A painter. I shouldn't hate. If I had something to distinguish me from other students here, I would totally wear it. ...No I wouldn't. I like being inconspicuous here. I still shouldn't hate. Maybe he is in the middle of something and got really hungry. He probably has to run back to the studio. Yep, there he goes.

There's the guy that works in the GSU library. I see him all the time. I wonder if he's married.

I see one of my former teachers sitting across the way with a guy who, I can only presume, is some sort of big shot. He's wearing a nice suit. Maybe their talking about how former Governor Blagojevich doesn't have his picture up in the Hall of Governors. "George Ryan's picture is up there. He's a crook." "Well, yeah, but Blagojevich is down right nuts!" That guy just said "nuts!" really loud, that's why I think that's what they're saying. Or maybe he was just exclaiming his love for the tasty snack. "What's your most favorite thing in the whole world?" "NUTS!"

There are two gentlemen in the Hall of Governors looking around. They look like they are discussing important business. I imagine them talking about how they should tear it down. "Tear it all down! Just build a mini-mall right here. All the major cities are doing it. Think of all the revenue!"

Still an hour and a half before class starts. Maybe I'll eat another Snickers.